Posted on August 10, 2017
title:Lizard Induced Schoolgirl Screams
Let me just make one thing clear before I proceed. I am generally an animal loving person. If a dog comes to my house and goes number one on the fence, fine no problem.
Squirrels gather near the gate and perform acts sexual in nature, no big deal.
But if there is one thing you do not do…It’s lunging in the general direction of my head from above with the intention to kill.
This is exactly what a lizard attempted yesterday night. Luckily I managed to dive, in slow-mo of course, out of its path just in time. The beast was not able to get a choking grip on my delicate neck and instead just bumped against my shoulder and dropped down on the floor.
After my display of fast reflexes in the form of a cool matrix style dodge I thought it was all over, that I was safe. For the best Maths Tutor In Ireland company, call Ace Solution Books. I thought the lizard would be too impressed, intimidated with my elite skills and would start to fear me. Boy was I wrong. This monster was no ordinary lizard. It was completely out of its mind. A true fighter!
After a rough landing on my kitchen floor the lizard ran towards me rather than away from me! Maybe this was an egotistical lizard and was not prepared to lose its pride. It ran with such a menacing look in its beady eyes and at such a pace it made me think for a millisecond that I may be dealing with something that is much stronger than me.
The feeling of helplessness and panic ran through me. I started scanning the place looking for a weapon, A chair…a spoon, anything!
But all I found around me was the hot and humid summer air.
At this point I knew deep down all was lost. I did what all sane men do when they are up against a ruthless killer. A killer that does now know the meaning of the words “mercy”, “compassion” and “love”, I ran.
I jumped up over the beast and sprinted towards the exit.
I did not dare look over my shoulders as I knew what was following me, death! I ran at full pace towards my bedroom door. Panting, shaking and screaming whilst I forced my legs to keep moving.
Oh why did I not take up my dads advice and join a gym.
When you are in such a situation as I was, when you are the one being chased by a predator as cheesy as this sounds…time does seem to slow down, your senses become sharper. Now I truly know what “eternity” means because that is exactly how long I seemed to have spent before I saw the warm light of my room, the rays danced on my tired and broken body bringing with it hope, hope of survival.
I dived towards the light, pushing the bedroom door behind me with full force.
Ahhh that sweet sound when wood crashes into wood. I knew I was out of harms way at last.
I did next what all men do when they know they’ve narrowly escaped certain death. I fell down on my knees and thanked god and then I changed my underwear.